This Time
by Something From A Fairytale
Summary: James took Lily's chin and looked directly into her emerald eyes. "This isn't over." He told her, kissing her lightly on the lips. "What we have? It's a relationship, Lils. Not a crime we have to hide."


"At least watch from the stands this time," said James.

"I see the whole thing perfectly fine from my usual place," was Lily's firm reply. The usual place was a window seat hidden by shelf 14B in the library. They stood by the stairs outside the Great Hall, James two steps below Lily, who couldn't help thinking how very striking he looked in his Quidditch uniforms. They were careful not to stand too close—or at least Lily was. James pretended he didn't mind.

"You say that all the time." James pointed out. "But it's different when I can see you while I'm playing."

"Oh, James." Lily smiled amusedly, reaching for his hand and squeezing it. "You play beautifully whether I'm there or not. Besides," She continued. "People might die of shock if they see me up in the stadium for the first time in two years." Lily meant it lightly, but the unsaid things were reflected in her eyes.

"Who cares what they think?" asked James impatiently. "It's such a small thing, Lils. I just want you to see me play. And cheer for me, like everyone else."

"It's not that I don't want to see you play—" A group of first years ambled past them and Lily hastily slipped her hands out of James' and into her robe pockets. "But if I go out there, people will talk. I just don't think that—" Two Quidditch players from Hufflepuff greeted them as they descended the stairs. Lily and James smiled back vaguely.

"I just don't think that—" Lily tried again.

"That people should know we're together." James finished. Something close to pain flashed in his hazel eyes. "I see."

"No!" protested Lily, more loudly than she'd intended. "No, James. I don't mean that."

"Then what _do_ you mean, Lils?" demanded James, his voice dangerously low. "I'm simply asking you to share this with me. Is that so hard to do?"

"It shouldn't be." Lily replied softly. "But it is, for me. And I'm sorry." The corridors were suddenly deserted and she took the chance to lean towards James and brush a hand through his untidy hair, which was the furthest she could go in a public place—provided it was deserted. She wished it were different. She wished she were braver. She wished her pride didn't matter so much.

Lily's eyes pleaded for his understanding and James sighed, letting go of his frustration and the disappointment quelling in his chest. He never could resist her.

The clock struck ten somewhere above them and they heard benches scraping the floor as people started deserting the Great Hall.

James took Lily's chin and looked directly into her emerald eyes. "This isn't over." He told her, kissing her lightly on the lips. "What we have? It's a relationship, Lils. Not a crime we have to hide."

Lily watched James walk away and dissolve into the crowd that was making its way to the Quidditch field. She knew James was right. The thought only worsened the guilt she was feeling.

The common room was impossibly packed as it usually was after a Gryffindor victory. Tonight there was enough food smuggled from the kitchen to feed an army (care of the Marauders), banners streaming the walls that had been bewitched to emit roaring cheers at regular intervals, and music blaring from all sides. The Quidditch team was at the center of it all, being egged on to recount numerous flying stunts, diversionary tactics, close shaves, and comedic bludger shots.

Enterprising girls were asking James to sign their handkerchiefs with lipstick.

Lily leaned against the wall at the foot of the girls' dormitory observing the revelry. She'd debated going back to the heads' quarters but she'd been overruled by her friends who thought that if she spent enough time within James' presence, she'd finally admit she liked him.

What would they say if they found out she'd succumbed ages ago? What would they all say? Lily wondered as she hugged the enormous Runes textbook tightly to her chest, if they found out she and James were now a couple? _Lily Evans. After years of playing hard-to-get finally agrees to be Potter's next conquest. _

_Next conquest…_

She tried so hard to get the image out of her head because she knew it was no longer true. He was James now, not Potter. So what the bloody hell was she scared of? _Pride. Reputation_. The voice in her head told her. _You still care too much what other people think_.

Huffing impatiently at her own obstinacy, Lily turned to leave, bumping neatly into James. Damn it. Why did he have to smell so good? And right after a game too. Lily was ashamed to say she couldn't look him in the eye.

"Leaving, Lils?" asked James, who had managed to shake off persistent fans to get a drink. His eyes were uncharacteristically sober.

"Yes." Lily replied, squirming. "I was here for a while. I'd hoped to congratulate you…but you were busy so I thought I'd just wait until tomorrow."

"Look, Lils. We have to talk."

Panic started rising up Lily's throat and she couldn't swallow it down. "We don't have to do this now, James. You should be celebrating."

"No. I've thought about it and I have to tell you now." Said James. "Or I might change my mind and I'd end up hating us both. I don't want to hate you, Lils. I love you too much."

Lily blinked back tears. "You know I love you, James." She answered softly.

"You don't." said James, and there was a dullness in his voice. "Not enough. Not really."

"How can you say that?" whispered Lily. She could barely be heard over the din from the celebration that surrounded them.

James dragged a hand through his hair. "You think I don't notice when you let go of my hand every time we enter a crowded place? Or how you refuse to sit beside me during class or during mealtimes? You see all these girls flirting with me and you pretend you don't notice. You call be _bloody_ Potter in front of our friends."

Lily's lips trembled. "I just need—

"Time?" interjected James. "It's been two months, Lils. I waited for two years, and I just can't settle for this. It hurts too much." His voice broke and so did Lily's resolve. Tears clung to her lashes as she stepped towards him.

They stood so close, barely an inch apart, unmoving.

It was James who spoke first. "I love you Lily. And I thought it would be enough to know that you had feelings for me too. But it isn't. Because you don't trust me." He pressed his lips to Lily's hair that forever smelled like lemons in the summer.

With what he considered a colossal amount of willpower James picked up his unreplenished glass and walked away.

For the second time that day, Lily watched James disappear into the crowd. She blinked back her tears furiously and brushed a hand to her wet cheeks as she made her way towards the portrait hole. It dawned on her that she had just been dumped. And if it had been any other situation or any other boy for that matter, she would have devised a simple way to take a small amount of revenge then conveniently forget him.

But it was James, James who had pestered her for most of her adolescent life, James who infuriated her because of his effortless skill in almost everything, James who could easily outperform her during class when he put his mind to it, James who for over two years had dogged her shamelessly for the tiniest bit of attention, James who loved children and who sang in the shower when he thought no one was listening, James who had helped her conquer her fear of heights and who had shown her the best places to spot unicorns and to watch the sun set.

James, who never gave up even when she couldn't admit it to herself. He had been right about everything. She was a coward. And she had stood there doing nothing as he slipped through her fingers.

What the hell is _wrong_ with me? Lily thought. The Fat Lady tapped her foot impatiently at Lily's indecision and harrumphed when she turned back quickly towards the celebration.

Lily sought for James' unruly hair over the heads. She found him in time to see a curvy fifth year linking her arms around his neck. Spokes of jealousy had her setting her jaw. _Oh no you don't_. Lily thought viciously.

"Excuse me." Snapped Lily as she squeezed through grinding bodies. "Coming through."

It was warm where James was standing as they were in front of the fireplace. People were still recounting the highlights of the game and didn't notice at first. James stared moodily into space but the blonde who sat on the arm of his chair chattered on.

"So you thought you could just walk away from me after what you said?" demanded Lily as she slammed her textbook on side table. The thud had James looking up and frowning at Lily's livid figure. Auburn strands were escaping the knot at her nape, her lips were thin with fury, and her eyes were green flashes of danger. James thought she looked magnificent and could strangle her for it.

Lily turned to the blonde who had no trouble recognizing the peril before her. "You. Get off him. And stay away." She snarled. The blonde did not need telling twice.

James stood up and faced Lily, his face impassive. For once, he was the quiet one.

"And you." Lily said, turning to James. "You're going to hear me out." She took a deep breath and launched into a breathless speech.

"You were right. You were right about everything. And I'm sorry. I was scared and stupid, and a coward for letting what other people might say matter."

"Uhm, Lils?" James tried to say. The room had gotten quiet. But Lily was on a roll and she could not be stopped.

"I'm sorry that I don't let other people see us holding hands or kissing (a collective gasp ensued). I'm sorry that I still call you Potter in public."

James looked very amused. "Lily?"

"But you were also wrong about something. I _do_ care when girls throw themselves at you. I hate it. It makes me so angry when they touch you or smile at you or even when I see hordes of them cheer for you during Quidditch. I get so _bloody_ jealous it's pathetic. I hate it because I never thought I was the jealous type…and then _you _happened, and then I realized that I was." The room burst into appreciative laughter.

"And you were wrong too about me not trusting you. I do. I trust you because I know you love me. I guess I trusted you too much not to hurt me that I never thought you'd let me go." Lily paused and because James was not saying anything, her voice threatened to falter. "I love you James. I do. So please, don't break up with me."

Lily stopped and it was then she realized that the whole common room was waiting with baited breath.

"Well." She said, blowing at her bangs. What else was there to say? "Was I _that_ loud?"

James stepped towards her, his eyes laughing in the way she loved. "Not loud enough." He teased, framing her face with his hands. Around them, people cheered and hooted. He could see Sirius sourly dumping a stack of galleons into Remus' hand. The girls sighed, their romantic sides overshadowing the disappointment of James' unexpected retirement from the singles' field. He felt incredibly light and so unbelievably happy, his chest was swelling up. "Could you maybe repeat that in the Great Hall tomorrow?"

"Not a chance." Lily laughed. "But we could repeat this." She tugged at his shirt front and tiptoed to meet his smiling lips. The room roared in approval as they kissed. "Any time you want." She whispered.


End file.
